walking with a limp

I am officially “old”. I know this because yesterday, when I was getting out of my van, I somehow pulled a muscle in (around? near?) my hip. Yes, really. I am now hurting-yourself-while-getting-out-of-a-vehicle years old. Insert eyeroll here.

So now, my hip is sore. And I’ve been walking with a slight limp for the past day and a half. My brain is still trying to catch up with what I may have done to cause this while doing a perfectly normal activity of daily living. It’s a bit mind-boggling to me. But, it is what it is, and I will just be limping until it heals or until I decide to go to the doctor.

But truthfully, this couldn’t have been a more perfect real-life illustration of something I heard later in the day yesterday. I love to listen to podcasts while I fold laundry. And since I often have buckets and buckets of laundry, I often am listening to podcasts. I’d love to share some of my favorites with you, but maybe that’s a topic for another post.

Yesterday, I was listening to this excellent episode of The Glass House with Ben and Lynley Mandrell, talking with some friends about adoption and special needs in “the glass house.” The Glass House is a term they use for living life in pastoral ministry. And this episode is one that I actually personally requested over a year ago. In the intro, they mention how it is an often requested topic, and I am SO glad they have finally delivered on this. I have been hoping and praying they would address this facet of life in the glass house, and it was so worth the wait. The episode truly knocks it out of the park, and I urge you to give it a listen. It is descriptive and insightful while being helpful, validating, and inspiring.

There were many, many sound bites I could quote from this episode. But a statement that guest Lange Patrick made about “walking with a limp” profoundly struck me. As an adoptive parent, he has had to make adjustments to his own life and ministry in ways that he maybe would not have had to adapt if he were not parenting special needs and adopted children. We know this from our own lives as adoptive parents. Life just looks different than we expected or imagined. But Lange’s summative statement about this was simply that, “I will just always walk with a limp.” And it clicked for me.

He did not make this statement about limping (or disability in general) being a bad thing. I believe it is just recognizing that things are different and living within that difference. Things can be good and hard all at the same time. And to this I say, “YES!” This is what I needed to hear yesterday. And today. And tomorrow.

I am not a stranger to disability. I have a hearing impairment that has left me deaf in one ear. It’s something I am used to now, and I just live life with one hearing ear. Sure, it has its disadvantages (masks, anyone?). But I have learned to adapt.

Still, I have not, until now, really embraced the thought that the trauma and special needs and mental illnesses and disabilities of my children are also my disabilities, and I will bear the marks of those in my own life for the rest of my life. I will walk through life, yes. But I will walk with a limp.

I know that embracing the truth of what is will allow me to cling to Jesus as I persevere. The hard things will be there. When I’m tempted to be discouraged that I can’t be used by God because my life looks different than other “more productive” disciples, I need to speak truth to myself. God can use the parts of me that I find discouraging. And he can still use me. He will uphold and empower me to accomplish His purposes.

I think of Derek Redmond’s 1992 Olympic finish in the 400-meter semi-final in Barcelona. Redmond sprains his ankle just shy of 200 meters, and limps to the finish line. But he doesn’t do it alone. While Redmond is clearly in pain, at about 300 meters, his father comes down from the stands and supports him as he all but collapses in agony onto his father’s shoulder. They walk together, Redmond still limping, to finish the race. You can watch this emotional moment in less than three minutes here. You won’t regret it.

This is how life goes sometimes, is it not? At times, the suffering may be so profound that we feel in our core that there is no way we can finish the race without the Father holding us up. We need Him to bear us up on wings like eagles. To run and not be weary. To walk and not faint. But not only emotionally and spiritually. We need our community who comes around us to be His hands and feet in these times. Our people who walk beside us in the trenches, who come out of the spectator’s stands and get in the game with us. Church, we desperately need you! We need each other.

Second, I think of the New Heavens and New Earth where Revelation 21 promises us that we will be healed both spiritually and physically. There will be no more pain. There will be no more limp in my step. My children who trust in Jesus will be with me in the presence of the King, healed and happy. They will have no more trauma, no more special needs, no more mental illness, no more disability. We will together rejoice fully in God’s resplendent glory and power, and will be whole. Forever.

So while I may be (quite literally today) walking with a limp, I am still on this journey set before me. With God’s strength and the aid of His people the Church, I will persevere even when it is painful. And we will all press on to our heavenly healing with hope.

a pandemic advent – peace

I told my friends last week that all I want for Christmas is peace in my house. It was kind of a joke, but it was mostly true. I’m late in writing my advent post this week. That’s mostly because I feel unqualified to write on this week’s topic—peace.

I heard the bells on Christmas day. Their old familiar carols play. And mild and sweet their songs repeat. Of peace on earth good will to men. And in despair, I bowed my head. “There is no peace on earth,” I said.

To be very transparent, my home has felt pretty much everything but peaceful this week. My kids’ trauma histories and mental health challenges are threatening to take over. And anyone who has children from hard places can tell you that the holidays bring. it. all. out. It’s all out, guys. And the peace seems to be walking out the door with it.

This is the time of year that adoptive parents love and dread. Of course we love Christmas! It is simply the most wonderful time of the year! But all of the excitement around the season heightens anxieties for the little ones we love.

Grief over broken relationships looms strong. The longing for first families pulls at their hearts in a way I will never know. And this is what I dread. I wish it weren’t so. It can be so hard as a parent to calm their anxious and grieving hearts and to bring peace to their precious souls.

I think we all are feeling a little bit of this. Of course, everyone’s life and circumstance is different. But I think it’s safe to say that this year, perhaps more than in the past, we all long for a little whole lot more peace here on earth.

This pandemic has stirred up discord, and I do not have time to list all the ways we have “no peace.” But that’s what makes this week’s reminder so glorious.

Then rang the bells more loud and deep. God is not dead, nor doth he sleep! The wrong shall fail, the Right prevail, with peace on earth, good-will to men.*

Praise the Lord, God brings peace for our weary and broken souls! He promises peace for those who fix their eyes on Him.

You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.

-Isaiah 26:3-4

This season, we can remember that God is working. He is in control. He is everlasting. He will keep us in His perfect peace.

And we can remember, especially during this advent season, that God loved us so deeply that he sent his son Jesus to rule and reign in our hearts and in the Kingdom to come.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

-Isaiah 9:6

May we remember that God has promised to bring peace to our souls. Friend, cling tightly to this promise! May He keep us all in his peace, overflowing to our lives and homes-—even when our homes seem chaotic and unruly. God is bigger than the unrest of our human hearts.

Share the promise with your children, and pray that it may bring rest for the tumultuous waters of their hearts, too! And may we look forward with anticipation to the everlasting peace we will enjoy forever when Jesus rules as the Prince of Peace.

*For the rest of this great, Christmas-time hymn from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, and a timely history of its context, read this from Justin Taylor.

a song of hope

Our family loves music. It’s one way we communicate. We really believe that music and song have a way of reaching the heart that written words simply do not. Music stirs our affections.

In that vain, I wanted to share a song for each advent idea. Some are “Christmas songs,” and some aren’t. Feel free to listen to these songs by yourself or together with your family. Use them to begin discussions. I pray that they will stir your affections for the Lord in this season, and aid in keeping your heart stayed on him.

One of my favorite Christmas songs is “Come Thou Long Expected Jesus.” I love how it is filled with hope for the Messiah and the fulfillment of that hope in Jesus! This is my most favorite arrangement, by Red Mountain Music. Enjoy!

Come thou long expected Jesus

Come Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set Thy people free
From our fears and sins release us
Let us find our rest in Thee
Israel’s strength and consolation
Hope of all the earth Thou art
Dear desire of every nation
Joy of every longing heart

Born Thy people to deliver
Born a child and yet a King
Born to reign in us forever
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring
By Thine own eternal spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone
By Thine all sufficient merit
Raise us to Thy glorious throne

By Thine all sufficient merit
Raise us to Thy glorious throne

a pandemic advent – hope

There are certainly a lot of things we can hope for in our current climate. I hope this newest virus surge begins to abate. I hope no more of those that I love will be affected by COVID-19. I hope 2021 is less dramatic. I hope we can soon “put this all behind us.”

But honestly, I know that none of those things that I hope for are guaranteed. The surge may well continue to grow exponentially. Many more people, even possibly I, will be afflicted with COVID-19. 2021 will likely not be much different than 2020. And at this point, I don’t really even know what “putting this all behind us” can possibly look like.

Still, we hope

But still, we can — and should — have hope! We just need to place our hope in the right place. There is a space between hoping in our circumstances and feeling hopeless because of our circumstances. Thankfully, we do not have to fall into either ditch. We can stand on the firm Rock of Jesus.

The Bible says we should hold fast to the hope that we have before us — and that the hope we have is like a sure and steadfast anchor for our souls. Because Jesus has entered the holy place on our behalf. We can hold fast to that hope which steadies us when we feel that our feet may slip. Jesus has come. Jesus has become the sacrifice. Jesus will return to rule and reign.

Christmastime hope

If your house is anything like mine, there is much talk of Christmas-y things from the kids. I love how much our kids love Christmas. They love the traditions. They love the lights. They love the decorations. They love the cookies. And the candy canes. And getting to sing Christmas carols and “Happy Birthday” to Jesus.

And the presents. Shhhh. Don’t read that one too loudly. They might hear you.

As our children excitedly hope for Christmas to come — and hope for that special present they keep conspicuously inserting into nearly every conversation — let’s remind them of all that we can truly hope in. Our circumstances this year are oh so different than ever before. Sickness and isolation and division and scarcity are all around. But our Hope is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Our hope is Jesus. He has come, and He is coming again.

a pandemic advent

In our family, we recognize and observe the Advent season — the days leading up to Christmas Day. As we decorate our house and put up the lights, I count it all as part of the Advent season. It is a beautiful season of preparation, cultivating a delight in the true Light of the world.

Advent is a time of waiting as we look forward to celebrating the coming of the Christ child. God incarnate. Savior, born to us.

From the Latin, advent literally means “coming”. As Christians, we know that there are actually two “comings” of Christ — two advents, if you will. During the Christmas Advent season, we can celebrate both.

The first advent was when Christ came as a baby. That’s what we celebrate at Christmas! The second advent is when Christ returns to rule and reign in the new heavens and new earth. This hasn’t happened yet. But we certainly look forward to the glorious day!

So Advent season is a time when we look back and remember with gratitude and awe that …

“… unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”

Luke 2:11

And, …

… being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Philippians 2:8

It is also a time when we look forward with anticipation to the day when we can say with the heavenly host:

Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;

Revelation 19:7

And, as prophesied, …

… the LORD will be king over all the earth. On that day the LORD will be one and his name one.

Zechariah 14:9

How amazing!

Well this year, advent comes with a new and different weight than we are used to. We are all — Christian and unbeliever alike — looking back and looking forward. We are longing for the days that were, before the world changed. And we are looking forward to the day that we can return to “normal.” What a blessed opportunity we have as Christians to celebrate advent and share it with those around us. We can focus on the One who truly is able fulfill all of our longings.

Traditionally, the four weeks of advent walk through four ideas. They differ depending on who you ask. But as we walk through this season in the midst of a pandemic, I want to focus on how these ideas can help us parent our children with a gospel focus. We can point our eyes, and our children’s eyes, toward Hope, Joy, Peace, and Love — all of these coming from, and fulfilled in, Christ.

May this season be refreshing for us all as we try, by God’s grace, to focus on what is eternal rather than what is temporal. Because we all know that this year, the temporal is vying for our attention like never before. May this season be hopeful, joyful, peaceful, and running over with love.

a great cloud of witnesses

I recently shared that I am nearing the end of a great devotional study, written for mothers. As I have been praying about what to move on to next when I finish up the study at the end of this week, I have searched for direction.

Generally, I like to keep my study time lighter on topical studies and heavier on studying sections of scripture. Walking With God in the Season of Motherhood was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. But I am ready now to turn from the topical toward more focused scripture study.

So, what next?

Should I start reading through the Bible again? Well, maybe. But it’s almost January, and perhaps I should just wait to start until then…

Should I read through the Proverbs? Always a good option, especially when you have a month to work with…

Should I pick a book to study for a month? OK, sure. But which one?

It’s always so hard to decide where and when to start a new thing! Ack!

Well, God is faithful. As always. Just as I realized I really needed to get a move on figuring out what to do next (time was running out!), an email popped up in my inbox with a pretty obvious choice. Yay!

I have been invited to preview a study on Hebrews 11 as part of the launch team for Trillia Newbell’s newest book from Moody Publishers: A Great Cloud of Witnesses. I am thrilled to start this in the coming weeks, and to dive in again to this rich chapter of Hebrews.

The book’s description gives some insight into what the study encompasses:

Enter the stories of the faithful in A Great Cloud of Witnesses. This six-week Bible study dives into Hebrews 11, examining the lives of Rahab, Enoch, Gideon, Sarah, and many more whose faiths withstood the tests of their days. By studying the great cloud of witnesses, your own faith will be strengthened to run the race before you.

Moody Publishers

I am truly looking forward to studying Hebrews 11 over the next six weeks. I am sure I will be encouraged and edified as I meditate on this chapter. I hope to share with you what I am learning as I go. In the meantime, I encourage you to check out this new resource to see if it might be a good fit for your future study as well!

As part of my participation in the launch team for Trillia’s new book, I received an advanced copy of A Great Cloud of Witnesses. The study officially releases on January 5, 2021, but it is available for pre-order now, anywhere books are sold. If you choose to pre-order through the links I have provided, I will receive some affiliate compensation.

an experiment in *less*

“What if you guys only had ten toys?”

“Oooh! Ten more toys? Like from Christmas?”

“No, like ten total toys! Only ten!”

“I’m not getting rid any of my stuff!”

Challenge accepted.

Over the past pandemic months, I have cleaned my house more times than I can count. I have “quaran-cleaned”–cleaned thoroughly and with abandon, because it was one of the few activities I could do while under quarantine. I have decluttered like a mother. I have culled and purged.

It’s been a good time. For me.

To be completely honest, I have taken several van-loads to various donation centers. Much of the contents has been kid stuff. Toys. Clothes. Books. Stuff my kids don’t really use. I have minimized the toy selection dramatically.

And they haven’t cared. And they have played with what they have. Amazing!

It’s been a good time. For all of us.

I know I’m not the first one to “discover” that kids do better with less clutter and less choices. It is my opinion that when they can’t see a toy, they don’t usually think about it, and could probably not care less about it.

What would happen if you just had a few things to play with that are available at pretty much all times and are not buried or packed away or stored on top shelves in pretty opaque bins? I’ll tell you what will probably happen. Your kids will play with the toys they have, and be fine with it.

I find that this principle is especially helpful in reducing a stressful environment for my kids who struggle with anxiety and/or have sensory challenges. Too much visual stimulation stresses my kids out. A calm space can help promote a calm kiddo.

It can be helpful for kids with executive function challenges to have less choices. Some kids just struggle to make choices because that is part of executive functioning. If we can remove some of the stress of choice-making, we can accommodate our children’s needs and allow them to actually enjoy playing with the toy they have.

At all costs, I want to steer away from providing opportunities for my kids to commit what I like to call the “big dump”–that dreaded act where your kiddo dumps the whole bucket of toys out because they have no idea what they want to play with…and then they walk away. I’m cringing typing it. Let’s try to avoid the “big dump”, shall we?

So don’t have a whole bucket of toys. If they don’t have a whole bucket of toys, they can’t dump a whole bucket of toys. Am-I-right? My suggestion is to have smaller containers which fit fewer things. The smaller containers also allow kids to more easily see what’s inside the container without having to rummage to the bottom or commit…dare I say it again…”the big dump.”

So, while we do certainly have more than just ten toys, we have way less toys than we did in February. Decreasing our toy quantity and clutter level in the home as been one of the means by which the stress level in our home has dropped. I have sought to love my children in one way by modeling for them a simpler life. I have sought to shepherd them to see that stuff is just stuff, and often more stuff just causes more problems. Having less stuff can allow us to focus better on what matters, and can cause our gratitude to increase if we remember that we have exactly as much as God wants us to have. And it is enough.

a devotional for mothers

Over the past nine weeks, I have been reading through a topical devotional study called Walking With God in the Season of Motherhood. I have appreciated Melissa Kruger’s insight and wisdom in the past (especially her book The Envy of Eve — a must read!), so I was excited to stumble upon this study this past spring, in our newly-COVID world.

I was finishing up reading through the Bible in a (little-over-a) year, and was searching for a guided study with a more topical emphasis, yet a study still rich in Scripture. This fit the bill for sure. It turned out to be exactly what I needed.

Of course, who could doubt that God would provide exactly what I needed? I admit, I always go into a new study or devotional book with trepidation. Even when I know God will teach me and grow me through His word, I am still apprehensive. Will this new book or author hold my interest? Will I stick with it? What will I learn? How will this teach me?

Well, this study was balm for my weary soul. Like I said before, I really have loved Melissa Kruger’s writing before. I think I just resonate with her style and syntax. It is like talking with a friend. She is not stuffy, yet not superficial either.

In this study, she has a wonderful way of guiding you through Scripture systematically and making you think about what you are reading and how it applies to you. She adds analogies, anecdotes, and real life application along the way. And while Melissa Kruger’s life is not the same as my life — our circumstances are certainly different — I find her writing and application very relatable.

If you are looking for a new study that will both encourage and equip you in this season of motherhood, I highly recommend this study to you. I am not being paid to write this. It is just a resource I have found to be profitable as a mother, and I would love to share it with you fellow moms “in the muddle.”

I have two more weeks left in my study. I have actually kept up with reading it consistently every weekday for the past nine weeks. I have not skipped a day or needed to catch up. I am really truly amazed by this! And I am looking forward to the next two weeks as I continue to learn and grow. I honestly feel like it will be a little sad to say goodbye to this book, and put it on the shelf for perhaps another read-through in another year. But I have a new study on the docket, which I will be sharing with you soon. Stay tuned…

{All links are my Amazon Affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through these links, I will receive a small commission, and I will be grateful for it :)}

yesterday’s faithfulness; tomorrow’s promises

I’m trying to get more exercise. My body and my mind need it. But my body and my mind also really love to sleep. And I have a new soft, warm, fluffy comforter. It’s magical. The struggle is real.

This morning, I finally succeeded at prying myself out of bed at an hour early enough to allow time for me to drink my coffee, spend time in the Word (and read my current devotional book), and plod downstairs to the treadmill.

The treadmill had cobwebs on it.

Yikes. It’s been a while. Kind of like my blog.

Well, this morning, I swept the cobwebs off the treadmill, and got going. And now I will wipe the cobwebs off my blog and get going. Often, it’s easier for me to think about writing, and even get excited about my intentions to write. But I hit the proverbial “snooze” button instead. Just like with excercise, I just need to take the first step. I need to pry myself from the comfort of my thoughts and let my feet hit the floor.

Or let my fingers hit the keys. I think you get it.

Well, when I exercise, I like to listen to either a podcast or an audiobook. I like to engage my mind while I engage my body. Sometimes I like fluffy stuff with little concentration required. Other times I like heavy stuff where I really need to work at it. Today I chose a podcast including a message from a Gospel Coalition message on corporate prayer. It was a good mix of funny, (fluffy) and thoughtful (heavy).

I was struck by the reminder, about one-third of the way through John Owunchekwa’s message, that “because God doesn’t change, His past faithfulness is really a future promise.” God has been faithful. God is faithful. God will be faithful.

This immediately drew me to recall some Scripture that I meditate on often. I know I’ve even talked about it on my blog before. You can probably tell it’s a pillar in my mind and heart. I will risk beating the same drum again. Lamentations 3:

Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:19-24

We remember what God has brought us through. We remember His character. And we can see His faithfulness to provide His portion for us in the future. Praise God!

Prayer helps us in thinking through this. It allows us to recall God’s faithfulness. And when we ask in faith, we can trust His promises to be faithful in answering. We can hope in Him.

This year has been doozy. For kids with trauma–specifically in our context, adoption trauma–2020 has brought with it added layers. But just as for us, God has been faithful to our children. He cares for our children. We can have hope in His steadfast love and His faithfulness.

God’s provision and gentle faithfulness to our precious kids in their yesterdays stands as a promise for His faithfulness to them in their tomorrows. Weary parent, as you shepherd your little flock of hurting and anxious sheep, hope in Him! Great is His faithfulness!

If you would like to interact a bit, I would be edified to hear in the comments some ways in which God has been faithful to you in this season of all that “2020” encompasses to you. Praying for you all, friends.

ten

February 28, 2020 marked ten years of life without my mom. At the age of 26, I lost my mom to ovarian cancer. I had a premature baby boy who was three months old at the time, but we had not yet even reached his due date (March 15). On that particular February 28 — 2010 — my son slept in his NICU bassinet in a hospital across town, while I sat by my mom’s side as she left this world.

Life has not been the same since.

But, the same God that sustained me through those days sustains me still today. His steadfast love reaches to the heavens, and His faithfulness to the clouds (Psalm 36:5). Those days were so long. So full of uncertainty. So packed with driving from one hospital to the other. Yet, the thing I remember most from those days is God’s abounding love and care for me and His peace reigning deep in my heart. He truly poured out His grace and mercy in that time to meet every need of my heart.

Psalm 36:7-9
How precious is your steadfast love, O God!
The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

This year, as February dwindled on, and I waited for the 28th to come for now the tenth time since she’s been gone, God gave me peace anew. He gave me refuge in His strong and tender wings. In His lovingkindness, He allowed most of the often-gray February days to be full of unexpected sunshine instead. What a gift! He provided encouragement from friends and in His word. He provided patience. He provided peace.

Life has not been the same since she died. But God has been the same and has proven Himself faithful and steadfast in all things. The well of His mercy will never run dry.

Psalm 36:8-9
They feast on the abundance of your house,
and you give them drink from the river of your delights.
For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light do we see light.

My prayer as I move forward to the next decade of life without my mom here, as I continue to learn how to live this “normal” that is neither new, nor familiar, is that I will drink ever more deeply from the river of His delights. That I will know more and more each day that my loving, faithful, sheltering, redeeming God is the source of life and peace.

To God be the glory.